Go 10

Name: Jack

Age: 27 (Noteworthy. I don’t so much dig dating twenty-somethings. I am absolutely baffled as to how thirty-somethings manage to date ME).

Height: 6′

Bar Locale: Zum Schneider.  A friend mentioned they didn’t think ZS allowed in those of the pseudo-jew-”ish” variety, such as myself. Jack is about as German as Schnitzel, so we rocked a nice neutral base.  He offered to wear liederhosen and I agreed that would probs be the best attire to distract from my ethnic and distinctive nose.  In closing he promised to be dodgy and I promised to be sketchy. 

Sabbatical note: After taking a month off from dating, I was blatantly off my game. Upon entrance to the bar I received a text from Jack that he was the dodgy one positioned by the bathroom and the main bar. Most unfortunately I received the text that he had progressed to a table after I approached someone else thinking it was him. As I had not pregamed, I arrived to the date cold sober.  That would have been better with a buzz.

A note on food: I had had about an hour to kill pre-date. Any time I have a free hour, I tend to lose it and not know how, but somehow in this lost time I also manage to kill at least 500 calories of any given substance I can scavenge within my apartment. So – I wasn’t hungry. Jack went for schnitzel and a potato pancake app, after I stated I wasn’t into food, but am typically very much into other people’s food.

Time expended: 8 hours

Alcohol units consumed: 2 LARGE beers and 2 MEDIUM-LARGE beers.  One large beer is the equivalent to at least 5 beers, so I essentially consumed enough to warrant a pretty intense case of alcohol poisoning. Like a champ.

Note on toxicity: True to my word, I was all over Jack’s potato pancakes once the booze hit my blood stream.  And his schnitzel.  Also noteworthy – I made new friends with neighboring tables including a B+/C- celeb.  Not since Jimbo have I gotten so wasted. A+ drinking performance.

Note on Jack’s toxicity: He kept saying how he really liked me & I kept saying “right but you really need to play harder to get.” 

A note on competition: I have a ridiculous I-win complex. But only with the inconsequential, e.g. I couldn’t care less about scoring a good time in a race, but hot damn if I don’t finish my super sized beer first.  Words cannot describe how pumped I was to kill my bev in the more expedient fashion.

After party:  There has never before been an “after party” with these dates.  However I haven’t ever before gotten quite so efficiently wasted.  Plus Jack mentioned a type of Milano cookie I had never heard of so we left the bar in search of that and ended up at my building.  I still pat myself on the back when I successfully find my way home after a night of binge drinking.  Even better I had the sense to understand my apartment was a train wreck and not fit for any form of company, wasted or not.  In a pinch I opted to bring Jack to the building terrace where we proceeded to hook up on a lawn chair directly facing a row of apartments. Your neighbors don’t truly know you till they see you partially naked anyhow.  And I ask, does it get any classier than that?